“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” – Steven Wright
“Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.”
“Fighting with me is like being in the special olympics. You may win, but in the end you’re still a retard.”
“Just because the voices only talk to me doesn’t mean you should get all jealous. You’re just a little too crazy for their taste.”
“If you wrote down every single thought you ever had you would get an award for the shortest story ever.”